woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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