I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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