Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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