I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
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