Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
