my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
