I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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