we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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