I think I won the penis lottery.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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