some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
