He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
