Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
