he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
