I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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