2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
