how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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