Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
