You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
