I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
