Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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