In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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