I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
