did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
