you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
