I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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