I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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