You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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