if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
