He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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