I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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