I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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