The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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