i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Panties = found
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