A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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