We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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