I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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