Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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