she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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