the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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