WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
