So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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