she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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