If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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