I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So vagazzling was a success
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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