Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
