I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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