There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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