My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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