I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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