I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
how does that bad decision feel?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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