Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
