I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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