Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
