you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
