I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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