Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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