girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My vagina is officially offended.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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