Soap is not a condiment
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
