I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
