I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
