she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
