can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Come share oat with me in your robe
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
