How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
this will be a night to untag.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
