Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
