drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
