He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
