I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
