When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
